The Voices In My Head

May 18, 2020

I threw the well flattened mattress on the floor and sat on it cross-legged. I muted my phone and set the timer for 20 minutes and closed my eyes. First thing I heard was the sound of the birds that perched day and night on the trees in the park right in front of my house. Then I heard footsteps approaching the bathroom. Since my room is next to the only bathroom in the house there is no other alternative for the household. I tried to focus my attention on the sounds in my head instead of the footsteps.

Hımmm it’s a mess here in my head. Slam! Someone just closed the apartment building door shut. What was I thinking? Oh yes it’s a mess here. What day is it tomorrow? Is there any milk in the house? Should I eat oatmeal for breakfast? What’s going on, Eda focus, focus. Yes focus on your breath, inhale, exhale, inhale. Yes, I think it’s working. Let’s do a body scan. Relax your face you’re frowning. Relax your shoulders, let them hang down. Why are my shoulders so stiff? Focus on your breath. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. I’d better count these breaths. 1,2,3….21,22…30. Yes, counting was a great idea.

Oh, I’ve got another great idea. Why don’t I write about that thing? No, first I should finish reading that book and maybe I’ll add something from there to the writing. Or, would it get too complicated, usually the first idea is the best right? No, that saying wasn’t like that. Stop, you’re completely out of it now. Focus on your breath. Footsteps. Is everyone waiting for me to start meditating, to go to the bathroom? Well, whatever, I wonder how many minutes it’s been. I should go to bed earlier. Otherwise if I try to meditate at 10.00 a.m. like this, it will always be busy at home and in the apartment building.

At what time was the online lesson today? Mmm, this breeze coming from the window is so nice. Should I lie down for a bit after I finish meditating? Lie down? At 10.00 in the morning? Am I depressed, why do I feel sleepy all the time? Pfff what’s this I can’t get my head straight about anything today. Let’s try something new. I should try to go more inwards. I wonder when I will start feeling my left foot again? Gongggg (meditation ending gong).

Every day of meditation is different. Sometimes it’s nearly exactly like I’ve written above. Some days I’m able to go a bit deeper. Sometimes I feel my breathing slow down and my thoughts are a bit quieter. Some days I can’t sit still, I want to move or I open my eyes suddenly against my will. This is a journey. Allow yourself every day some quiet time where you will sit down patiently, eyes closed, in a very calm corner of the house where you won’t be disturbed. Maybe in the beginning, you will keep making lists of things you should do in your head. Remember even if you can calm your mind for a few minutes it’s still beneficial. Sit down or lie down without expectations. Most importantly make it an intention to give yourself this time every day. Let’s see what happens? 🙂

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